masquerade; paper faces on parade

March 30, 2006

waha...come back from chalet yesterday...but ar...never update la...wahaha...

things happen...long story....haha...just a warning to anyone who going to downtown east for chalet...never go out for a late night/early morning walk in eastcoast park...

hahaa...

i now in sch...going to eat lunch...haiz..4pm then eat lunch...saded...poor me...

i wan chalet with sec sch friends!! chalet chalet chalet~~~~

tok to u lata ma =D

YukiNoYume ♥ Thursday, March 30, 2006 link to post

March 25, 2006

haha...very long never update le..not in the mood...but here is the long waited [i say one la] updating...

since the last post...i been having problem...i cant slp at night and when i did...i have lots of nightmare...

u know the feeling that u get when u are not really sleeping but u r dreaming? like day dreaming like tt...

this few days when im having dreams...i know they are dreams cause they all dun make any sense...i clearly know that im sleeping but im awake at the same time...i know that im having the dream and i can wake up anytime...just that i dun wan to...

i dun know isit the same as daydreaming...cause everytime i daydream im not dreaming of anything...im just not thinking of anything...

this time is tt i know im sleeping and i can control i wan to go on having this dream or just wake up...

i remember i dreamt once that im late for1st day of sch and its the start of poly yr 2...but when i reach 'school' i found myself in one of the room in my grandma house...telling someone that im skipping sch today cause im late...then the dream blank out a while [i think this is when im really slping] then someone come into the room and pull me out of the room saying i must go to class...then wat i saw is my sec sch class room...then i walk to my new class looking inside i saw ms tan [sec sch de...i think she teach my sec 2 lit...i hate/scare her] i think she's teaching a maths [the kind we learn in computing lesson] then i run back to my grandma house room... then i think i wake up cause i remember looking at my room celing but i think i fall asleep again cause i dream that im late for my 2nd day of sch =.= but this one i cant really remember wat happen...but i remember got a part i run back to my grandma house room and grab my bag then walk out...after tt i dun know le...then after a blank blank part...i dreamt that im late for my 3rd day of sch [ya ya ya for 3 days im late for sch! i must have really hate to go sch in my dream] then i dun know wat happen...but i remember im sitting on the floor crying or something...i dun know...but someone [forget the face le but the feeling is like tt person is ning -.-;;] just pull me up and scream 'wei!! stand up!! no matter wat happen u still have to go on!! if u give up now u are really _[something something something...cant remember le....]__!' well...i dun know wat she or he say totally...but should be something like tt la...just forget the last word...and now i think about it ar...can put lots of words inside wor...can be useless..loser...all those lor...then i think after this part i really wake up le...

like i say... i know all this is dream because it all dun make sense...only the last part make abit sense...

then i still dream of lots of weird weird thing la...but mostly i dun remember much of it...onli tt day de i remember still quite clearly...

i dun know lei...can not slp very poor thing de leh...and when u finally slp u still got weird dreams more poor thing...then when u sleeping but dun know u really sleeping anot...More More More poor thing...saded...

aiya...dun know wat to do...saded la...if keep on like tt ar...i will be a big panda le..

haiz haiz..i think i go try to slp le la...night...

YukiNoYume ♥ Saturday, March 25, 2006 link to post

March 20, 2006

everything end...ivp will not be here to bug me anymore...haha...well...unless i stay in judo until next year it will bug me again...

i wanted to update last night when i reach home...but i think i better not...i felt that i better slp one night and forget most of wat have happen before i tell u all wat happen...cause i dun wan to remember my feeling yesterday...

the night before ivp...i spend sometime in playing tarot card and others card i have...most of them say that one mistake can cause all the effort i have put in fly away like bubble...then i just think that i have to be very careful...then i go to slp...

then i keep on wake up becasue of stupid nightmare...one is that i dream that im late of ivp...and another is that Mak Tin Wai is a big and fat and tall women...so tat night i did nt slp much...

then the next morning i go out...all the while feeling can i dun go...then when reach clementi got mac breakfast eat [thank u ning ^^]

then go city hall...mel is late...jy is later...then ballball never come at all...

then we walk to smu...

then guys wight in...and gal go in to look at the place 1st...

the tatami is not very big...and we have onli one so everyone have to fight on that tatami one match by one match...

then when its 9.10am if i remember correctly...the 1st match start...roy is in it and he won... then nx match and it keep on going...

i think when the 1st match start...i really feel like crying le...then when roy finish...and its the start of 2nd match...i start to cry...then cry and cry until it going to be my turn...then i have to stop crying and go out...

i never see how mar tin wai look like...i dun know wat im doing...i just think that i have to go in...and i have to put in a fight [i think]...but well i think the biggest mistake i made is tt i NEVER attack her...so there goes all the efforts i have put in...and i lose...

at 1st...im still quite calm...im not thinking of anythings else but 'well...finally ivp is over...and its does not matter to me anymore...'

but once i reach where ning and others are sitting...jy tell me, 'do u know how y u lose?' i stop him and tell him to tell me later when im back...and walk to the toilet...

ning is behide me..but i dun care at tt time...she was toking to me [i think] but i didnt listen wat she saying to me...i just wan to be alone for a while...thinking of wat jy wan to tell me...

haiz...to cut the story short...i just have to say i cried and cried and cried and cried and cried...

then dun wan to go back to tt place...and hx say bring me go out walk walk then scare me so much then i cry again =.=...but at least i forget about how sad im la...

BUT i will never take lift with hx ALONE again...

at the end of the day....a group of 9 ppl [1 green belt; 2 learn other martial art[but still white belt in judo]; and other learn judo more or less about half a yr(white belt too)] bring home 3 medals...i lose but im still proud of them...well done ppl...nx yr...all of u can do much better then this...

when i think of wat happen yesterday..i felt that well..i might be able to do better...

i cried before the match
because of nervousness
i cried after the match
but i dun know why
i went to the toilet
i sat down quietly
i think of what has happen
and tears drop uncontrollably
did i cry because i think that i can do better then this?
did i cry because i have dissppointed everyone?
did i cry because i have lose?
did i cry because everything is finally over?
did i cry because im too weak to handle all this?
i didnt know at that time why im crying
but now i know
i cried because i have lose to myself

i lose to a yellow belt
lose to someone that look lighter and taller
lose to someone who has more experience
lose to someone i might win normally
but most importantly
i lose to myself
i lose because i dun have confidence
i lose because i dun trust myself
i lose becaue i have give up before trying

where will this take me to?
am i really going to give up after this?
or am i going to face it and get over it by training harder?
is this going to fire me up?
or going to put me off?

i dun know...but i will try...take a break and make the decision when my mind is clear...

i will take my time...and make a decision that i think is the best...

i have promise myself that i will never cried in front of people anymore...but again and again i break that promise...when am i going to stop it? when am i going to grow up? i have no idea...but i will keep on trying...no more crying in front of people anymore...i will be strong...

YukiNoYume ♥ Monday, March 20, 2006 link to post

March 18, 2006

18 more hrs...

when i tok my dad tmr i got competition he said this...

"What competition? You just learn judo not long how can you win? Dont know you go for what?"

i was like =.=

wa he really see me no up...but...i also dun know lei...

daddy u wait and see ba~ i jiayou jiayou at least must wait the 1st one...I TRY...haiz...hope so...

dun know lei...very very very very very very scare...

wat if i cant make it? wat if i cant focus? wat if i lose concentration very fast? wat if the one im facing is super strong? wat if she is very tall? wat if she is very heavy? wat if she is very short? wat if shes yellow belt? wat if she is very scary?

haha...her name dun sound very friendly lei...Mak Tin Wai...scary.....

watever i say now is useless...now onli can jiayou le...jiayou jiayou jiayou!!

加油！加油！加加油！

tmr really no one is coming to help me jiayou...very sad lei...really very sad...haiz...

now my brain is in a mess...i dun know wat im thinking...wat i wan to do...and wat im typing...

ahhh!!!

i need to calm DOWN!! CALM DOWN CALM DOWN CALM DOWN!!!!!!!!

haiz haiz haiz haiz haiz haiz....................

hope for the best....

walk one step see one step...

then best is i can see Mak Tin Wai early in the morning so that i at least have a idea who im fighting with...

haha...mayi help me find out that Mak Tin Wai [NTU student wor] is engineering 1 streamed to EEE (EEE/0506 [direct-entry students]) and her mentor is Lu Yilong hahaha...but dun have her photo lei...

haiz...wish me gd luck ba...

just hope i tmr can wake up =.=

YukiNoYume ♥ Saturday, March 18, 2006 link to post

March 16, 2006

LIFE IS NEVER FAIR

like wat i have say in the 7 things i believe in...this line have to go up and prove me that im right to believe in it...

not fair life...no fair no fair no fair.....

haiz...nothing can be done...everything is settle....and i can almost tell wat can/will happen on tt day...in anycase...i dun think any good will happen...for me anyway...

vex...vexation...vexed...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

i hate ivp i hate ivp
i hate ivp i hate ivp
i hate ivp i hate ivp
i hate ivp i hate ivp
i hate ivp i hate ivp
i hate ivp i hate ivp
i hate ivp i hate ivp
i hate ivp i hate ivp
i hate ivp i hate ivp
i hate ivp i hate ivp
i hate ivp i hate ivp
i hate ivp i hate ivp
i hate ivp i hate ivp
i hate ivp i hate ivp
i hate ivp i hate ivp
i hate ivp i hate ivp
i hate ivp i hate ivp
i hate ivp i hate ivp
i hate ivp i hate ivp
i hate ivp i hate ivp

i hate it to the core i hate it i hate it i hate it SO MUCH THAT I WAN TO KILL THE PERSON WHO WAN TO START THIS STUPID BRAINLESS IVP!!!!!

haiz...breath in and out also no use for me now le la...watever happen on tt day...im happy that this is going to end soon...after 19/3/2006 i can say goodbye to ivp...and i dun need to be so vexed...

im going to learn from history...

im not going to any competition anymore unless i think that im fully ready for it...

no more judo competition anymore...no more no more and i mean it! unless i think im ready...

best of luck to u guys...win or lose dun make any different to me now le...it doesnt matter anymore to me...in this ivp...i will just try to get whoever infront to be dead tired [if i can do it] and if lady luck is with me...i hope i can throw one...just one..cause i will not ask for more...

maybe i dun...i cant ask for anyone to understand wat im thinking...cause no one can ever understand someone who never understand herself...i know that maybe im being very pessimistc...this is the way i will be 0nce i have give up on something...got bored of something...i no longer feel that judo is my sport...one thing that i can stay and play...one thing that i will fall in love with...

im bored of it...i have no confidence in judo...in my skills...in wat can i do in judo...wat can i get from it...im still staying in it cause i wan to give it a chance...give myself a chance to see whether i can enjoy being in it like once i have...im trying hard...but i dun seem like seeing a result that i hope to see...

i been thinking...y dun i like ivp...why am i stress over this ivp...why didnt i just treat it like nothing much like i always do when there are a competition...then i think i got a ans...cause my subconscious have been treating ivp as a test...or a exam...im seeing if im getting better or getting weaker...im treating it like a PSLE or O level...if i pass i can go on...if i fail i'll have to find some other path to walk...

then i know y im stress...y i dun like this ivp...y i dun wan to go for it...y im vexed over it...

this is a very heavy stress i have been press on myself...but i dun know wat to do with it...

ahh i really dun know wat to do la...no one to tok to...everyone have their own problem le...i dun wan to add on to it...so i just have to solve it myself...before sunday...

a big battle coming right up...no money with me now...mum never understand that poly students NEED money in holiday too...

off to bed...if i can slp...i think i will spend sometime talking to myself...this work before...i hope it will work again...

night ppl...

and dun worry about me if u are reading this blog...i will be fine...just tt im abit lose...

YukiNoYume ♥ Thursday, March 16, 2006 link to post

March 15, 2006

19th of march...win or lose...happiness or sadness...celebration or go home and slp...all depends on wat happen that day...

8 am at SMU on 19th on march...

i dun wan to fight with ning...dun wan dun wan dun wan dun wan dun wan dun wan...

ning know all my weakness...saded...very saded...

haha...now to think of it...hahaha...this is wat can happen...

1. lose on the 1st round and can sit back and relax
2. i can win on the 1st round
3. win and win and win all the way
4. win and win and lose after a few round

haha...dun know wat will happen...but i just to wait and see and work hard =p

jia you ba..

YukiNoYume ♥ Wednesday, March 15, 2006 link to post

see ning's blog and saw this game...and she say i should do this too so here it is =p

S E 7 E N game

S E 7 E N Things that make me Smile =) :
1. music [anything i like lor =D]
2. playing games
3. watching anime [happy one la...sad one will make me sad lor =P]
4. knowing that my friends are living happily
5. drawing
6. doing the things that i like
7. when im happy hahaha...

S E 7 E N Ways to Win my Heart:
1. love me
2. understand me
3. care for me
4. able to stand all my emotion/action [moody la and big action la haha]
5. listen to me but make desicion when needed
6. protect me [physically and mentally] but still give me space to grow [not depend on u too much la =p]
7. giving personal space/time!!! [dun force me to see u everyday from morning to night!! and u dun have to know all my friends and so on!!]

S E 7 E N Things I Believe In:
1. there are unknown things around us
2. wat goes around comes around
3. life is never fair
4. everyone is wearing a mask
5. love is a painful but sweet part of life that ppl will go through
6. wat u see might not always be the truth
7. forgive does not mean forget

S E 7 E N Things I'm Afraid Of:
1. Family problems
2. Friendship problems
3. Money problems
4. LOSE to myself; to others, lose control, lose those that i care for, lose the thing that is important to me
5. darkness
6. being alone when i need someone with me
7. depend on someone too much

S E 7 E N Things I Do Everyday:
1. Use my lappy
2. listen to music [right now im listening to JJ songs ^^V]
3. talk to friends
4. bath
5. eat
6. sleep
7. think of wat will happen in the future

S E 7 E N People I Want to See Right Now:
1. friends [pri sec poly]
2. best friend
3. a fearless me
4. guys --> dj; ms; zhu; ky
5. gals --> ber; cara; qiqi[sec sch de]; siti
6. everyone [haha...impossible wish..but really very long never see lots of ppl le]
7. no one [feel like being alone for a while...haha...wan to see everyone and dun wan to see anyone...WEIRD!!!]

S E 7 E N People who should also do this:
1. Melissa
2. DJ
3. MS
4. siti
5. zhu
6. cara
7. qiqi [poly de]

YukiNoYume ♥ Wednesday, March 15, 2006 link to post

March 13, 2006

HAIZ!!!!!!!!!

im bored very bored...OMG...so bored until i feel like going to play neopets =.=

2nd day in genting and haiz...need to waste 3hrs before my parents come and get us...

haiz...

i-am-bored.com also very BORING le...

wat can i do in this 3hrs??

YukiNoYume ♥ Monday, March 13, 2006 link to post

March 10, 2006

i feel that its time for us to meet up le...really...lets see when we can meet up..

anyway..today is training day...and quite fun la...learn how to hold on the left side...

then i use that throw on huixin...haha...and i landed [i land off so i basically sit on her and then drop on the side =p] on her...sorry lei...hehex...im just trying to try if i can throw someone of u and mel weight when we are all moving around using left hand hahahaha...well...i think i success le but its not a very good throw...

for how long have i tried to learn it..and i seems that i cant master it...well..i think i will walk one step and then see one step...hahaha..

how whole body in pain...i think is the aftereffect after fighting with ning...well..maybe not really fighting with her la..cause im actually 'playing cheat' cause i keep on attacking her weak points =p no the weak points of her judo...but her normally everyday life weak points =P...

im going to genting on 12th...coming back on 14th...then going to miss one training which is on 14th itself then im going for the training on 16th...

and IVP [institute-varsity-polytechnic games] will be on the 19th =.=;;... who wan come and help me jiayou? haha.............but now i still dun know the time and place...onli know the date...

ivp ar ivp...ah ah...walk one step see one step...

Break out of my shell of protection
Breath in the air of uncertainness
Walk out of my fear
Open my eyes and search for the path

Have trust that I can do it
Have faith that I have what it takes
Have confidence that I have the skills
Have hope that I can win

YukiNoYume ♥ Friday, March 10, 2006 link to post

March 08, 2006

OMG found a great site when im searching for my didi homework!!!!

http://www.amasci.com/weird/unusual/paranor.html

its so so so so so INTERESTING!!

but i think i should stop reading le cause its late at night and i am afterall very timid hahaha...

enjoy~

YukiNoYume ♥ Wednesday, March 08, 2006 link to post

March 07, 2006

Everyday is a new day!

haha....finally watch finish chicken little...a little chicken which save the day hahaha...the baby is SO SO SO cute~~~

today went out early in the morning...go see doc with my mum and dad...mum have a health check up...then we went to eat breakfast/lunch...then go to my didi sch...then we go ica to renew me and my didi passport...then we go to park mall to settle something about the genting thing...

then go home..then I AM BORED...cause nothing to do...

so i go play o2jam...then today all pros inside...

play speed 4 and lvl 9 onwards songs =.= i cant even see the note...dun know how to play de....

so i give up and go to play GB...

and i lose to a kid =.=;;; i totally forget about the controlling of power...which means i cant shoot well and i die easily...

after 2 rounds i give up again...

then i go i-am-bored.com

then i see this chakra test

haha...then i go play lor...then ar...my result is show below =P

Root:	under-active	(-31%)
Sacral:	under-active	(0%)
Navel:	under-active	(-31%)
Heart:	under-active	(-19%)
Throat:	open	(31%)
Third Eye:	open	(19%)
Crown:	open	(19%)

so i fail 4 parts haha only pass 3 parts...

then i go find wat is root and all lor...then ar...wa...very interesting...i will just put down mine la =D

root chakra
is about being physically there and feeling at home in situations. mine is under-active, so they say i tend to be fearful or nervous and easily feel unwelcome...

sacral chakra
is about feeling and sexuality. mine is under-active which is i tend to be stiff and unemotional or have a 'poker face' and not very open to people...

navel chakra
is about asserting yourself in a group...and again im under-active...so they say i tend to be passive and indecisive and im probably timid and dun get wat i want...

heart chakra
is about love, kindness and affection. so im under-active again...and they say i'm cold and distant...

throat chakra
is about self-expression and talking. finally im open...which means i have no problem expressing myself and i might be doing so as an artist...

thirs eye chakra
is about insight and visualisation. im open which mean i have a good intuition and i may tend to fantasize...

crown chakra
is about wisdom and being one with the world. and im open again...which mean im unprejudiced and quite aware of the world and myself...

so in overall, i think im a WEIRD person...

cause ar...i tend to be fearful/nervous and easily feel unwelcome; stiff and unemotional; not very open to peoplel; passive and indecisive; timid and dun get wat i want; cold and distant BUT i have no problem expressing myself and might do so as an artist and have good intuition and tend to fantasize and unprejudiced and quite aware of the world and myself...

how can someone who tend to be fearful/nervous and easily feel unwelcome and unemotional not very open to people and timid have no problem expressing themselves?

very interesting...those who are interested can go http://i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=16034

wahaha...they still teach ways to open the chakras that u lack hahaha...and if i really try everything ar...wa...i will be very busy and need lots of pairs of hand...hahaha...

oh oh...and i found something very interesting about me again =p

normally u have only 1 horoscopes but i have 2 la...im both cancer and leo...so up until now i still dun know wat should i tell others when im being ask wat my horoscopes but now i know le ^^V

im cancer/leo cuspians!!

haha...born on the cusp means im born within a few days on either side of a star sign change. and it indicates a complex character because im under the influence of 2 adjoining signs, their rulers and their elements =p

for me, im cancer and leo, which is a mix of water and fire, moon and sun hahaha...

i search a lot on cancer/leo cusp personality...but most say this la...

cancer/leo cusp is of 2 conflicting elements - water and fire.
they possess the inward, sensitive side of ancer and the outward, fiery side of leo
they have rather volatile personalities
they tend to move a lot, not just physically but emotionally also
they are vibrant and energetic
not only strength but also grace can be a focus of their life
they must learn self-discipline
they must try not to concentrate on the past, but live for the moment and balance high and low
they can be morally courageous exciting but fluctuating, addictive and depressions
they must try to pace themselves for the long and sturdy run

and cancer/leo cusp are also known as cusp of oscialltion =D

but its very interesting to take another look at my personality but studying cusp..cause i think it better to look at wat others have to say about cancer/leo cusp then me always looking at both cancer and leo horoscopes haha...

but i cant type everything that i know about my cusp here la...cause too much to say le =p

hehe...but i think reading all this cusp is better then me looking at leo or cancer onli cause ar i always feel that im more a cancer then leo but i still have some parts of leo in me haha...thats y i always say that water always win fire =p

well...i will go back in reading them =D

cya ba

YukiNoYume ♥ Tuesday, March 07, 2006 link to post

March 06, 2006

Facing Fears

As she gazes at the immensely high tower,
And feels the sprinkles of the powerful stream.
She gently tiptoes toward the aquamarine shower,
Smiling at the radiant dream.

While the water releases her of her fears,
Flashbacks possess her mind of her disgraceful life.
So, she dives into the flowing river to cleanse her tears,
Letting the rainbow of peace replace her strife.

The falling water carries her away,
On a raft of misty clouds.
And places her on the pillowed earth to lay,
Waves leaving her in reverent bows.

As she was slowly awakening,
While staring blankly at the scenery.
Her memory was slowly weakening,
Wondering if it was just a reverie.

Now her soul is free of fright,
And clouds open up the Heaven's above.
By covering her face with spiritual light,
Feeling the warmth of love.

With a majestic spell in her eyes,
Instead of tears to pour.
Not only can you see her fly,
But, in all her grace, watch her soar.
by Someone in deviantART [I forget to save the name of writer...so sorry]

hope i can be the same as this girl in this poem...facing her fears and be stronger...

i look at my past post haha...found out that this few days im not in a very good mood...but now...i think everything will start to be better [i hope] but watever happen, everything will be fine in the end...

i fall sick...flu is coming on and off...

i have to go on...i cant stop here...move on...walk on...fight on...until the day i cant move anymore...onli on that day can i stop...rest...

ah ah...here i go again...

hmm..for this long holiday...i think i will spend time on going to talks or wat to earn points...then spend time to go gym IF ning and huixin still remember to call me =P then spend time with family...do some housework here and there...ya...and clean up my room..really CLEAN it up...throw watever i dun need and pack watever i dun use often...

ahah...mum is angry with me again...

i really dun understand her...why everytime when i really wan to start to study...she have to stop me from going just because she wan to go for a holiday...

i know she need to holiday...but why cant she understand that i have to study too?

i tried to tell her that our sch need us to get 40 points...and tmr have a talk which i could at least get 4 DA points...but she dun understand...she said tmr we [me and my younger bro] have to go to ica there and renew our passport...

why cant she understand that i WANT to pass my study...i dun need to travel...im fine with staying in singapore...i tell her everytime that she can just bring my stupid brother go and go with my dad...but she dun wan to...she wan someone to look after her stupid son...and everytime that person is ME!

and because of tt reason...she tell me, "if u dun wan to go, u stay in singapore with your didi and your dad and i will go and enjoy ourselves. if u wan to go, u look after your didi there, and your dad and i WILL STILL GO AND ENJOY ourselves..."

so wat is the different of me going or not going?

just the place that i stay and look after HER STUPID SON!

and everytime she say until we beg her to bring us go somewhere to travel...

my task is always look after ppl...

hongkong...i spend most of my time look after my grandma, small kid, bags, and stay at hotel, share a bed with my mum and didi or my grandma and meimei or WITH MY KOR KOR or even slp on the floor/sofa if there are too many ppl...

shanghai...i spend time look after my grandma again, take care of small kid again...look at bags again...stay at hotel again...and the same thing of sharing bed or slp on floor/sofa...

its always me and my kor kor who will slp on the sofa or the floor, always me who need to stay back and look after the old and young when other happily go shopping, always us who will take the worse room, and carry other ppl things BECAUSE they are too heavy for theor kids to carry...its always my kor kor or didi that will get good gift and watever they want...

tt time when we went to hk, my kor got 3 bags from my auntie and all, and many more things that i dun even know...just because he like it and my aunties buy it for him...and they say it because my kor is in the army and he dun have much money...

and wat do i get from them? nothing...i buy watever i like myself...with my own pocket money... was my pocket money more that wat my kor kor got? i dun think so...

ya...i got a mp3 from one of my auntie...but that mp3 at 1st was for my didi...my mum pass it to me because my did dun know how to use it...x'mas present from one of my auntie was a free gift from a shop after she buy my kor's shirt...the auntie which give my didi the mp3 give me a ear ring which was a gift from her friends, and a bear handphone holder which was something i dun use and i dun think she really buy this for me cause she know my handphone at tt time can fix into it...

ah ah...life is never fair...it never was and never will...but wat comes around goes around...im sure...

wat i never think much in the past keep on coming back to me...and everytime i think about it... maybe being a guy will make me much more happy that im now...i think of everything tt have happen to me since young...and think of the palm reading that i have done in so many different site and read from books...how true they are to say that i dun have a happy childhood...

sometime i wonder...do i have a childhood at all?

but still...always look at the bright side...

at least my parents will not beat me up everytime they are unhappy...

at least i can study...

at least i have food to eat...

at least i have place to stay...

at least i have a room of my own...

since life is not fair...i just have to live with it...

maybe one day i might wake up and i will find that all this is just a long, sad/happy dream...

im quite emotional this few days...tears come easily...i didnt wan it to drop freely...but it did...

my vision is blur...i cant see wat im typing clearly.

maybe im just tired...

after a good night slp...everything will be fine again...everything will be...

My tears drop
Like the sky that cried...

My eyes turned red
Like the sky at sunrise...

My vision blurred
Like the road in mist...

My hand turned cold
Like the winter wind...

My body shivers
Like kitty in the rain...

My face paled
Like the rose of white...

My mind is blank
Like the paper untouched by others...

My eyelids are heavy
Like the sumo wrestler weight...

I lie down
Like files on desk...

I rest
Like babies having naps...

I dream of being free
Like birds in cages...

by YukiNoYume...

YukiNoYume ♥ Monday, March 06, 2006 link to post

March 02, 2006

Everything Thou Wishes Shall Be Granted...
If Thy Will Is Strong Enough Then Eliminate The Things That Bars Thy Path...

this is something i put up from a book...maybe not really a book..its a comic...

but well, it is very interesting...everything i wish can be granted, if my will is strong enough to clear away those things that block the path i take...

this is something that i think i will remember it well cause i think that it fit me well...

i think about this for quite a long time le...i think that sometimes maybe i really just trying escape from as many things that can cause lots of problem but now, i really think its time for me to face it...

i ask myself few night ago on wat i really wan...

do i really wan to quit judo? will i be happy if i quit it? will my problem be solve after i quit it? wat will surface after i leave?

then my answer to it was, maybe i dun really wan to quit judo...sometime im still quite interested in this weird sport, i will not be happy if i quit as i will always think that maybe i can gain things from there[knowledge, friendships or watsoever], my problem might be solve if i quit judo...but since im already 'half broken' i might as well go on...if i really leave...mel and ning WILL not talk to me anymore and well...i think war world dun know wat MIGHT happen...

BUT if i stay and i did not change my way of thinking soon, i will be bored and really feel like NOT going anymore...just like how i skip gb over and over and over again...i will still not try my best in training...i will still be very lazy over it...and my fire will still be off...

ah ah...im at a crossroad now..and i dun know which road to walk...but i think that i will create my OWN road...which is take a LONG break from judo...wait until i think that im fit enough to go back...and change my thinking when im resting...maybe...just maybe i will be happier...

i think that i really hurt myself too much le...when is raining...my joins are also painful...my bones...i really dun know are they in the right position anot...my eyes hurts offen...my head drum like nothing sometimes...i cant stand too long...can sit too long as i felt that im going to faint if i sit/stand too long...i knock my head too many times to count...now my left leg are giving way...as its really too painful for me to bear if i wan to move normally...ah ah...sound so much like a broken 'toy' which was just waiting for one day that i will really break...

im tired...really tired...im really not ready for ivp...no no no...and y it must push back more and more...i really feel like crying le...mixed feeling...i really felt that im free and happy...and now...nightmare fall again...

crying...wats the use of it...nightmare comes again...its a truth that i can change...ppl tell me to relax...treat this ivp like normal...we are just going to somewhere else to train and spanning with others...win or lose isnt the main point...

to me...it is...winning or losing IS the main point...fighting with others make me crazy...i dun wan to fight with anyone i dun know...i dun wan to...i dun wan to hurt anyone...i dun wan to get hurt...emotional...i dun know...maybe i look like someone who love to fight...but i dun...i hate to fight...i dun like it...i dun like its feeling...i have lost too many time in my life and i dun need another one...

tell me...how many ppl on earth will pay money to get themselves a chance of hurting themselves...if there are sure person...im sure that im not one of them...

i feel weak...maybe im...everytime i see ning and other span...i always get this feeling that im weak...i dun know...i think tat im really not mentally prepared enough...

tears drop like rain in sky...tell me wat can i do?

wat a show it will be...a game end in 2min...maybe lesser...maybe i can set a new world record of the shortest judo game ever...as the one being throw...save ppl time...and there it goes...my $10 throw into the sea...just because im force to join something that im clearly unprepared for...

i cant stop crying...

i dun have the will...i dun have the strength...i dun have the time...i dun have the freedom...

maybe i just have to stand there and let ppl throw me...maybe i just have to breakfall...maybe ivp will be burn down...maybe it will stop...maybe i can run away from this nightmare again...maybe i can be carefree again...maybe...maybe...

sometimes it feel like no one understand...no one understand how unprepared im...no one understand why im thinking this way...no one will...for who will listen to me quietly and understanding and without getting angry?

i think i understand wat it means by having someone by your side feels good...having someone protecting you feels good...

ah ah...let time stop...let MY time stop moving...

maybe i never think of the good side of things anymore...cause i think thats nothing for me too think of...

wats the ending i think i really know...

i onli can move on...move on on this path which i have chose...

i hope i havent make a mistake in taking this path...

i hope i will find my true feeling later...

tears driing...
heart quietly...
mind screaming...
hand typing...
leg hurting...
im lost...
who is there...
to find me back?

YukiNoYume ♥ Thursday, March 02, 2006 link to post