March 02, 2006
Everything Thou Wishes Shall Be Granted...
If Thy Will Is Strong Enough Then Eliminate The Things That Bars Thy Path...
this is something i put up from a book...maybe not really a book..its a comic...
but well, it is very interesting...everything i wish can be granted, if my will is strong enough to clear away those things that block the path i take...
this is something that i think i will remember it well cause i think that it fit me well...
i think about this for quite a long time le...i think that sometimes maybe i really just trying escape from as many things that can cause lots of problem but now, i really think its time for me to face it...
i ask myself few night ago on wat i really wan...
do i really wan to quit judo? will i be happy if i quit it? will my problem be solve after i quit it? wat will surface after i leave?
then my answer to it was, maybe i dun really wan to quit judo...sometime im still quite interested in this weird sport, i will not be happy if i quit as i will always think that maybe i can gain things from there[knowledge, friendships or watsoever], my problem might be solve if i quit judo...but since im already 'half broken' i might as well go on...if i really leave...mel and ning WILL not talk to me anymore and well...i think war world dun know wat MIGHT happen...
BUT if i stay and i did not change my way of thinking soon, i will be bored and really feel like NOT going anymore...just like how i skip gb over and over and over again...i will still not try my best in training...i will still be very lazy over it...and my fire will still be off...
ah ah...im at a crossroad now..and i dun know which road to walk...but i think that i will create my OWN road...which is take a LONG break from judo...wait until i think that im fit enough to go back...and change my thinking when im resting...maybe...just maybe i will be happier...
i think that i really hurt myself too much le...when is raining...my joins are also painful...my bones...i really dun know are they in the right position anot...my eyes hurts offen...my head drum like nothing sometimes...i cant stand too long...can sit too long as i felt that im going to faint if i sit/stand too long...i knock my head too many times to count...now my left leg are giving way...as its really too painful for me to bear if i wan to move normally...ah ah...sound so much like a broken 'toy' which was just waiting for one day that i will really break...
im tired...really tired...im really not ready for ivp...no no no...and y it must push back more and more...i really feel like crying le...mixed feeling...i really felt that im free and happy...and now...nightmare fall again...
crying...wats the use of it...nightmare comes again...its a truth that i can change...ppl tell me to relax...treat this ivp like normal...we are just going to somewhere else to train and spanning with others...win or lose isnt the main point...
to me...it is...winning or losing IS the main point...fighting with others make me crazy...i dun wan to fight with anyone i dun know...i dun wan to...i dun wan to hurt anyone...i dun wan to get hurt...emotional...i dun know...maybe i look like someone who love to fight...but i dun...i hate to fight...i dun like it...i dun like its feeling...i have lost too many time in my life and i dun need another one...
tell me...how many ppl on earth will pay money to get themselves a chance of hurting themselves...if there are sure person...im sure that im not one of them...
i feel weak...maybe im...everytime i see ning and other span...i always get this feeling that im weak...i dun know...i think tat im really not mentally prepared enough...
tears drop like rain in sky...tell me wat can i do?
wat a show it will be...a game end in 2min...maybe lesser...maybe i can set a new world record of the shortest judo game ever...as the one being throw...save ppl time...and there it goes...my $10 throw into the sea...just because im force to join something that im clearly unprepared for...
i cant stop crying...
i dun have the will...i dun have the strength...i dun have the time...i dun have the freedom...
maybe i just have to stand there and let ppl throw me...maybe i just have to breakfall...maybe ivp will be burn down...maybe it will stop...maybe i can run away from this nightmare again...maybe i can be carefree again...maybe...maybe...
sometimes it feel like no one understand...no one understand how unprepared im...no one understand why im thinking this way...no one will...for who will listen to me quietly and understanding and without getting angry?
i think i understand wat it means by having someone by your side feels good...having someone protecting you feels good...
ah ah...let time stop...let MY time stop moving...
maybe i never think of the good side of things anymore...cause i think thats nothing for me too think of...
wats the ending i think i really know...
i onli can move on...move on on this path which i have chose...
i hope i havent make a mistake in taking this path...
i hope i will find my true feeling later...
tears driing...
heart quietly...
mind screaming...
hand typing...
leg hurting...
im lost...
who is there...
to find me back?
YukiNoYume ♥
Thursday, March 02, 2006
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